


Birds of a Feather Flock Together, Especially Those of the Dumbass Variety

by Sargentpepper23



Series: Trapped, but along for the ride [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Dumbass Galore, F/M, Humor, Toucans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22165840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sargentpepper23/pseuds/Sargentpepper23
Summary: Ever could not believe her first time off the ship would end like this.  Actually, she could because Kid is a dumbass and can’t keep his fucking hands off of things that don’t belong to him.
Relationships: Killer (One Piece)/Original Character(s)
Series: Trapped, but along for the ride [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1443649
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43





	Birds of a Feather Flock Together, Especially Those of the Dumbass Variety

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of researching information for my papers due later this week, I sat my happy ass on the couch and wrote this. Oh well. I had a ton of fun writing it, and I hope you all enjoy it. P.S. Ever and Killer didn't always get along quite as well as they do now :)

Racing through the dim jungle, Ever could not believe her first time off the ship would end like this. Actually, she could because Kid is a dumbass and can’t keep his fucking hands off of things that don’t belong to him.

Several furious croaks came from behind her, battering her eardrums. Stumbling, she clutched her hands to her head but forced herself to keep running. The sound was horrible, like a cross between a frog and a pig, but she couldn’t stop now, not when Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbass were probably leading the creatures straight for the ship.

How could she have not seen it? The piles of regurgitated fruit seeds scattered throughout the trees, the leftover caiman and jumbo-frog carcasses haphazardly caught in the thick vines above them, and the giant hollowed out holes scarring the massive trees on the far side of the island. Hell, even the colossal insect shell that dropped out of the sky, nearly crushing her, should have clued her in. _Fucking toucans_.

Up until this point, Ever had had no problems with toucans. In fact, she found their colorful markings and bright beaks beautiful. Back home, the little boy down the street was obsessed with them, going so far as to wear a hoodie that looked like one every single day. A few times a week, he would stop by her bookshop and not only reread the limited information she had on them, but list off Every. Single. Fact. about them. Even though his visits left her mentally overloaded, she couldn’t help but encourage his interest. The boy’s eyes had nearly popped out of his head when she had special ordered him a toucan guide book, which, of course, prompted him to spout even more facts every time he visited the shop.

A horrible screech drew her back to the present. Peering over her shoulder, Ever couldn't see much through the thick vegetation, but the vibrations in the ground and the cracking of branches warned her that the birds, and the morons, were drawing closer. _Fuck Ev, run faster!_

Hurtling over a rotting log, Ever tried not to panic as the sound of splintering tree trunks, ferocious croaks, and maniacal laughter grew louder. _I can’t believe those dumbasses stole from them. Did they not see how enormous they are?!_

Arms pumping and chest heaving, a large crack split the air before the world grew darker, and _OH FUCK!!_

Diving sideways, Ever narrowly missed being squashed as a tree fell through the canopy. Recovering quickly, and grimacing at the sight and smell of the rotting leaves caked to the front of her, Ever squeaked as a large hand dragged her up and forced her back into a run, “Everly, you need to check out these birds! They’re-”

“SERIOUSLY KILLER?! That’s what you want to say to me right now,”?! Both of them ducked as debris flew over their heads, “Those fucking birds are going to eat us because you and the other dumbass stole their _chick_ ”! Wrenching her arm free from his grasp, she failed miserably at outracing him but nevertheless, continued her rant, “And how many times do I have to tell you?! It’s EVER, not Everly, Ever”!

The man next to her snorted, and twirled his blood-soaked scythes once, “Oh, we’ll be fine Everly. Kid and I have this handled.”

Her brow twitched, “Handled? You call this handled, Blondie? Half the jungle is torn up, your hair looks like a rats nest, and I’m pretty sure you've lost your captain"!

Even with his mask on, she could almost feel the irritated look he shot her at the nickname. The sharp flick to the sensitive skin on the back of her arm just confirmed his annoyance, “Kid’s not lost, he’s just… being slow. He is carrying the bird, you know."

“Yeah, sure. A bird that weighs a little more than a pound.”

“Newsflash smartass, it’s nearly four feet long”!

“And?? That makes it two and a half pounds”!

Their argument was cut short as a loud whoop sounded above them, and Kid literally dropped out of the sky, landing ahead of them. Smirking at the pair, Kid took off again, a large duffel bag shifting on his shoulder, “Ever are you talking shit about me”?

Struggling to pick up her pace to match his, she shot Killer a smug smirk, “Absolutely not, but your first mate is. He was just telling me you’re slow and have trouble carrying anything over a pound.”

Killer pinched her arm, hard, “Kid, she’s twisting my words, and-”

_CROOAAAKKK!!_

All three of them looked over their shoulders, went wide-eyed, and flew into a flat out sprint. The three toucans were now visible and perched in different trees, the branches dwarfed under their massive bodies as they prepared to jump closer towards the trio. Under the minuscule amount of sunlight filtering through the canopy, their vibrant white and orange chest feathers flashed, and the serrated edges of their chrome beaks shined.

_SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!_

“Kid, give it back”!

“Fuck off Ever! Don’t tell me what to do”!

“PUT THE FUCKING TOUCAN BACK EUSTASS OR SO HELP ME I WILL RI-”!!

“QUIT YOUR BITCHIN’ AND RUN FASTER DAMMIT”!

She was trying to, she really was, but there was no way she could keep up with their long strides and superhuman speed. Her body was already at its limit, and her adrenaline would only last so much longer. There was a noticeable gap between them now, the toucans were closing in, and _oh my god, I’m_ _going to be eaten by a fucking bird._

At that realization, she nearly sobbed, “I can’t, I can’t run any faster, I- _UMPH_."

She ran straight into a stopped Killer, who slung her body over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and took off again. Staring straight down at the first mate's fine ass, Ever lifted herself up to stare back at the toucans, who were now close enough that she could see the vibrant ring of blue skin surrounding their eyes, “They’re coming in from the right”!

Grunting in acknowledgment, Killer shifted his direction then readjusted his grip on her, inadvertently digging her hip further into his shoulder, “We’re almost to the beach, so tell me- _OWW_ ”!

Her hands were all over his back, scratching and clawing at his shirt and the skin underneath, “RUN FASTER!! THEY’RE CATCHING UP”!

He picked up his speed but not before getting in a dig, “Maybe if you hadn’t eaten that massive cheeseburger for lunch, I would be able to”!

“EXCUSE ME?! WHAT KIND OF BACKWATER HELLHOLE DID YOU GROW UP IN WHERE YOU LEARNED IT WAS OK TO CALL WOMEN FAT?! YOU NEED TO-”

_SMACK!_

Ever howled, “DID YOU JUST SMACK MY ASS?! YOU INSUFFERABLE, OVERSIZED, BRUTE-”!

He slapped her ass again, “Keep talking and see what- _FUCK”!_

It seemed two could play this game. Ever had leaned down, and using her nails, pinched his firm butt. Seconds later, it was easy to feel the vibrations of his growl, “Do that again, and I’ll drop you”!

“Do that, and I’ll drag you down with me”!

Moments later, the jungle floor gave way to white sand, and the sun shined warm on her back. _Oh, thank god, we made it!_

Propping herself on Killer’s back again, Ever watched as they passed the cluster of coconut trees with the massive boulders underneath them, and headed down towards the water. “Killer, I don’t think we can row back bef- _EEK!_ RUN FASTER”!!

The fucking birds had just emerged from the trees and were hopping across the sand towards the trio. Under the sun, the black of their feathers was so dark, it was nearly purple, and their metallic chrome beaks took up over half of their bodies.

Without warning, Killer pried Ever off of him and tossed her face-first into the sand, shouting, “Stay there”!

Spitting sand out of her mouth, Ever had a complaint halfway out of her mouth when Kid tossed the squirming duffle bag at her, "Hold this"!

Spinning around, the two dumbasses stood their ground before the monster birds, one with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face, the other, twirling his scythes in what Ever would guess glee, “You good with treasure _and_ dinner, Kil”?

The blonde nodded, and shifted into a fighting stance, “Of course. I’m sure they taste like chicken.”

Leaning forward, both men prepared to launch themselves at the croaking birds, when a noise like a rockslide dragged everyone’s attention over to the coconut trees. The boulders were _moving_ , rising off the ground on needle-like points, and their sides had separated from their bodies to form two massive claws. _Crabs!_

The birds turned towards the crabs, spitting and croaking as they closed in. The crabs, spying the birds, hissed and foamed bubbles out of their mouths, before scuttling across the beach to do battle. In shock, the trio watched as the two groups clashed.

Enjoying the show for a moment, Kid laughed loudly before turning to his best friend, “Chicken _and_ seafood”?

Killer huffed in amusement, “I do have that new recipe I want to try.”

The pair high-fived, and leaped into battle, leaving Ever shaking her head at the over-powered dumbasses. _How the fuck am I ever going to survive these two?_

**Author's Note:**

> Since I created this chapter after the other ones, I have yet to switch out the "She/Her" pronouns in some of the upcoming chapters with Ever's name. I'm hoping to resolve this soon, but with school ramping up again, I can't put a date on when it will be done.


End file.
